


Lost in Paradise

by 90tonothing



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:49:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4309347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/90tonothing/pseuds/90tonothing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla's inner monologue from episode 12</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost in Paradise

__ I've been believing in something so distant   
As if I was human   
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness   
In me

  
To say I do not love her would be the greatest slander of my 300 year lifetime. Saying it out loud is another thing entirely. I know what this immortal life of mine entails.

To those without it, it would seem a most thrilling prospect. To live forever. To someone who has lived it for multiple centuries, it can be the sweetest torture. They wonder why I brood, why I keep my distance. I would think it self explanatory, only they are mortal. They don't see things through centuries old eyes as I do. Human life is so finite and fragile, while my existence just continues on. I have made the mistake of falling so hard for a mortal early on in my everlasting reality. I may be immune from much of the physical pain this world has to offer, but watching someone you have loved deeply die, is not something I am unaffected by. Of course it would be easier to try to love one of my own kind, but we are few and tainted by the horrors that come with this life.

She came into my life like a whirlwind . I was falling long before I realized my feet were no longer grounded. I could be selfish. I could ask her and she may say yes, but  I would never subject my love to such horrors as this immortal life. It is her innocence that is so captivating. It is part of who she is, and to take that from this world would be a heresy. The blasphemy of all blasphemy.

Love is such a distant thing for someone like myself. I can touch it, but never keep it. It will always be beyond me. I allow myself to believe I can have it for a time, but I know I'm only fooling myself. It won't last and there will be heartache to come. These are things I wish I could tell my love. My Laura. I cannot will myself to do so. I refuse to allow her to think in the infinite scheme of life. I won't allow her heart to break at my expense. While she's here in my arms though, things aren't so hopeless. Or at least I can pretend that they aren't.

"Can we just pretend, just for tonight, that if I asked we'd run away?"

I knew this wouldn't be a shared reverie the moment I asked, but I had hoped that maybe I was wrong. What she doesn't see or understand is how easily I could lose her. Her life is so fragile and the most precious thing in this world to me right now. If we could run away from all the danger we face here, there wouldn't be as much of a worry. I could love and be loved and truly enjoy the finite time I do have with Laura. For one brie f shining moment, she shared this dream with me. I had to cut her off with a kiss because I knew what was coming. The inevitable 'but' would make it's appearance and I needed to prevent it for as long as possible. Let the ache of this fear inside me fade for a moment longer. Then her words come and the ache returns. 

It's not that this is who she is that hurts so much. Not in the slightest. Her bravery, purity, loyalty... this is why I love her. The hurt is there because I know I will do something to let her down. I would do anything for this woman, but I fear someday that won't be enough. I may be a vampire, but my capabilities are as finite as her life is, especially compared to everything we're up against. And god, how I wish a little of that bravery of hers would rub off on me because the fear is consuming me. Fear of not being enough. The fear of losing the love of my life. Again. It's way more than I can bare, but for her I will try.

We sit in silence for what seems like an eternity after she went on about why we couldn't run away. I sat there playing with the pages of the book in my lap when I felt her hand on my cheek, wiping away tears I didn't know had fallen.

"Carmilla?"

"Hm?" I couldn't look at her. I kept my eyes trained on the book in front of me because breaking down would only lead to the outpouring of things I need to keep her from knowing. I can't let her understand the tortures this immortality has on me. She turns my head to face her anyways, so I avert my eyes from her gaze.

"Look at me? Please?"

The tone of her voice was so forlorn and I couldn't stand to hear the ache in it, so I took a deep breath and my eyes met hers. The look she was giving me was one of empathy, like she understood. Maybe I underestimated her ability to see what would lie beyond for me, without her. The corner of her mouth twitched upward slightly as she ran her thumb across my cheek and I leaned into her touch.

"If we were to run away tonight, it shouldn't be to just some random city or country. It should be to the stars. We could be in an infinite paradise, a part of the constellations. L overs lost  in a beautiful galaxy. Never letting go, never saying goodbye."

I had underestimated her understanding of me. I had no words, only the tears I was unable to stop that she continued to wipe away.

"I know sometimes I am oblivious to the fact that you are  an immortal . And by sometimes, I mean a lot of the time. In this moment though, I see it , and it is hard for me to process because of my limited perspective. But for tonight, we can  run away and be infinite. Just you and me in love."

"In love?" I inquire shakily. I had said it earlier, but thought she had missed it. Hearing it from her now was like air I needed to breathe.

"Very much so."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding as I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes.

"I have been in love with no one, and never shall, unless it should be with you."

Our lips met in a slow, albeit passion filled kiss. This is what filled up my lungs, made my heart beat. What made me feel alive again. In this moment she was my infinity . My moon and stars. My paradise. And I was so lost in her. In my Laura.

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly inspired by "Lost in Paradise" by Evanescence. The ending was something I needed.


End file.
